Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Emily's Question: Is My Marriage Steady or Boring?

Hello everyone! I'm Rita Gehman, with Intuitive Woods.
Today's question is brought to you by Emily.
Okay, I've got her question right here.

My husband and I have been married for many years, but we have kind of been doing the same thing over and over again for the past ten years. Do I need to leave our relationships alone or do I need to actually do something about spicing it up?
Okay, everyone, I'm Rita Gehman, with Intuitive Woods, and this channel is about bringing personal security to you through understanding of life.

Now, Emily, your husband may be happy with the way things are. You may not be, or vice versa.
Or you may both be fine, but you're just kind of wondering if you need to do anything, in other words, are you fine? Do you need to do something?
Is everything okay?
First of all, I want to say that a lot of times when we watch our favorite shows, like our favorite TV shows and movies, we do see a lot of drama there and a lot of discontentment that doesn't necessarily exist in real life. So, I do want to warn you that you may be worried that he's unhappy when in fact maybe he's just not unhappy.
That is a possibility. Sometimes, our favorite TV shows affect how we think about our real relationships, and reality is absolutely not the same as TV or movies. It's not the same.
Things are scripted, and they're scripted for our entertainment pleasure, but they are not real life.
The second thing I want to say is if you've noticed any discontentment in your husband, the first thing I would do is ask him. Is there something on your mind? Would you like to change something about our relationship? Is there something else going on? That's the first thing that I would ask him.
And give him a lot of time to reply back.
Don't demand an answer right there, because he may have been....
First of all, men like to work things out on their own. So, they're not very social creatures. Even extroverted men are not as social as extroverted women.
Outgoing men are not as social as outgoing women.

So, that's the first thing.
Second of all, understand that if he's working something out or if he needs to deal with something and he does want to tell you about it, he may be still figuring out how he's going to bring it up with you.
Now, if you're like me, and you're a little bit of a volcano sometimes, and I'm a little bit of a volcano sometimes, you may find yourself in a position where you kind of default on your normal way of reacting to things.
Now, he may be thinking about that.

So, you may have to show him that you can choose to not be a volcano, sometimes. You may have to show him that. You may have to kind of be like, "Honey, I want you to know that even though I normally kind of blow up at you, I am worried about this and I'm concerned and if there's something that you want to talk about, I promise to keep myself under control. I promise to... you know..."
So, that's another thing that I would definitely think about.
Also, perhaps he's not the one who is unhappy.

You may have noticed some differences in his behavior and the way he's relating with you, or maybe you're just not sure.
But, if he's not showing anything and you're just not sure, you might consider the fact that maybe you are not sure if you want some changes in your own life.
And it's fine if you do. It's perfectly fine if you do.
If you want changes in your life, woman, go out and get them!
But I will say this.
The way you don't rock the boat with your husband, who may be perfectly fine with the way things are right now, the way you don't do that is to keep things as familiar for him as possible in all of the other areas of your life except for the area that you're changing.
Now, he will have to grow up and be a big boy and deal with the area that you're changing, but if he's in the position of having to adjust to something quite large or some big change that you're about to bring about in his life or a different type of personality or whatever that you're showing now, if he's having to adjust to that, make sure that all the other areas of his life are very familiar.

People can handle change, as long as it's not total change.
As long as it's sandwiched in between familiar things.

People can handle change as long as it's sandwiched between familiar things.
This is in The Power of Habit by Charles DuHigg. He talks about when introducing brand new songs and brand new things to people, the new songs have to be sandwiched in between familiar songs. Otherwise, people will tend to not accept them. People will tend to be like, "Okay, this is too much. I can't handle this change. It wasn't what I thought."
But, if the song is sandwiched in between two familiar songs, people will become a lot more open to that.
And I know that I, myself, throughout my life I've been pretty much resistant to change, but as long as there are predictable areas of my life that are most of my life, I can handle change a hell of a lot easier.

So, I would recommend you doing that with him if you, yourself, are actually looking for the change.
Alright, Emily, I hope that helped you.

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