Monday, September 19, 2016

Sex Shaming - Don't Sex Shame! - It's Very Bad!!!

Hello everyone! My name is Rita Gehman, with Intuitive Woods!
This video is about Sex Shaming!
I'm going to take just a minute and tell you about my channel.
My channel is about making life easier to understand, and therefore, easier to navigate.
I did NOT grow up with people who understood life very easily. I did not have the security that most children are supposed to have. I did not have the emotional intelligence in my parents that most children are supposed to have. Thankfully, all three of us have grown up since then. Yay! But, we all had to find our own individual paths to growth. We were not actually able to help each other grow. So, it was very difficult for a good portion of our lives, for all three of us.
Now, this channel is about helping people understand things and know things that will help make life easier, more understandable, human nature, understand human nature, understand how certain things in life work, esoteric topics, really non-solid topics, and emotions, socialization.
I did not have security back then. But, I have security now. And I want to spread that security to all of you guys! So, that's what my channel is about.
Okay, this video is about Sex Shaming.
A lot of people put down sex and they put down sex shaming. There's a whole big thing about this! It's like, What's going on? What's going on?
Sex shaming is about when people put down sexually active adults who are not in monogamous relationships or who are not married or who are not doing what these other people think that they should be doing, so then they shame that person into this attitude that, Oh! Well, you should be ashamed of what you're doing! Don't you feel ashamed?!
Come on, guys.
They put them down. Some people put them down privately to their face and sometimes they put them down publicly! And it's like, Come on, guys! Sex shaming is another form of.... It's like discrimination. What sex shaming does is it doesn't actually produce the effect that you're wanting to produce. People who are engaging in sex shaming are actually trying to help the people who are engaging in what they believe to be illicit or not correct sexual behavior, whatever that may look like at whatever degree or level that may be. They're trying to help those people understand that, Oh! Life is so much happier and so much steadier and more secure if you have a more conservative life approach, if you have more conservative beliefs, if things are steadier, and more traditional.
Now, I'm a traditional girl, myself, but I also have some pretty modern behavior, so I kind of engage in both sides of that. I'm a traditionalist at heart in some areas of life and I'm a feminist or a modern woman at heart in other areas of life.
So, I'm good with either scenario. And I want everyone to know that I support whatever beliefs you have, because I'm an American and we live in America, and even if we don't agree with people, even if we don't agree with what our neighbors or family members or spouses or our kids are doing, Come on! We should still accept each other. We can still accept what all of us are doing and accept that, number one, we may not know what their lives are like and we may not know what their background is like, we may not have had the life experiences that they've had so we may react to life a little differently than they did. And, to be perfectly honest, even if none of that is true. Even if we can't put ourselves in the other person's shoes, we can still fucking actually accept somebody just because that's the thing to do! You can accept somebody even if you disagree with them, even if you don't think that they're right, even if they seem a little off, a little off kilter, a little stupid, or a little insane. It doesn't matter! We can accept everyone.
So, guys, I want you to know that if you're engaging in sex shaming, I still accept you. I still love and accept you. I don't agree with you. I don't want to engage in the same thing that you're engaging in. But, I still accept you.
Now, I have to talk about my own life here, because I used to be the kind of person who absolutely, positively could NOT handle certain situations. For a lot of time, I didn't understand homosexuals. It's not that I was intolerant of homosexuals. I just really wasn't sure what their thing was.... haha! Well, each other.... but, I really wasn't sure how to go about understanding them. So, that was going on for a long time, and then I got over it, and then I started understanding them, and it was all good.
The same thing happened with single mothers. I've always been real paranoid about being a single mother, myself, because I was raised in such a very strict, orthodox, traditional environment. It was half about the shame, and it was also about the experiences of... My life has been hard enough. I've lived through family abuse, I've lived through all kinds of emotional, lack of emotional intelligence, lack of being able to handle life, I've been homeless twice, it was SHITTY as FUCK, guys! It was so bad!
And then I come across this approach of having the ability to grow myself emotionally, to grow my emotional intelligence. I have the ability to be more open and use my emotionality more, and actually be more emotionally expressive, but also to have more emotional intelligence, which has nothing to do with emotionality. It has to do with being able to handle life! Being able to just handle life.
So, I went through all these stages and they were real hard on me, but half of my problem with being a single mother back then was the shaming and just thinking, Oh God! I don't want to be one of those women!
Sorry if you're one of those women, okay? I don't think like that, anymore. I used to think like that. I don't think like that, anymore.
But, at the time, it was like, there was half of that, and the other half was, My life has been hard enough. I've been homeless twice. It was shitty. It was bad. I've gone months where, for one or two weeks out of the month, I was starving. I didn't have enough food. And this was with or without roommates. It really didn't matter. I was just... God! My energy level was at such a starvation level. It was just so low, and Oh, God! It was shitty!
A lot of my engaging in sex shaming myself, and I'm not being a hypocrite here, I'm saying that I used to engage in sex shaming myself, not only on myself but also on other people I did this.
To me, it was one thing if a woman was emotionally intelligent and she was, say, divorced or something like that, or widowed, and she had children, to me that was one thing but for a young mother to just be out being all emotionally irresponsible and then to have kids, as well, it was like, I grew up in that scenario!
I grew up with a woman who had children when she herself was about four years old, emotionally, and she had the ability to handle life up to the age of four, and not beyond that!
I was abused so many times by this woman. And, in multiple ways! And it wasn't because she was a bad person. She was a bad mother, but she was only a bad mother because.... she actually tried to be a good mother! She was actually pouring as much as she could into being a good mother! But, she had low emotional intelligence, which meant that she couldn't handle more than one little piece of life at the same time.
Now, low emotional intelligence affects us all, guys.
Whenever we're growing up, whenever we're teenagers, entering adulthood, entering monogamous relationships, entering parenthood. Oh my God! Emotional Intelligence hits you like a brick wall. You've got to be able to handle life. And, in the beginning, you don't! In each stage of your life, whether you're a kid becoming a teenager, whether you're a teenager turning into an adult, whether you're separating from your family so that you can be more independent and more self sufficient, whether you're getting married, whether you're buying a house, whether you're settling down, whether you're traveling, whether you're staying still, whether you're having children.... All of these that I've just named are different stages of your life. And at each new stage, guess what?! You're going to have low emotional intelligence.
That's the reality of the situation. You're not going to know how to handle it. And, because you're not going to know how to handle it, guess what?! You won't be able to handle it. And it will be shitty as fuck. And it will be shitty as fuck for a little while, and then you start to learn how to be able to handle it.
The problem is, if kids are growing up in a poverty environment, and I do mean a poverty environment, guys I'm not ragging on poor people, I was poor myself! But, if you're growing up in a poverty environment, then you're in an environment where you're not able to thrive, you're just surviving. You're stressing out every month about paying the rent, paying bills, paying for food, and the fact that we all need a little bit extra besides just the surviving, and if you don't have any money left over, then both you and your family are all like, Oh Fuck!
Or, you're spending yourselves way further than you should. And, either way, it's shitty! Either way, it's a crappy situation to be in.
So, guys, emotional intelligence is something that you're not going to have every time you start a new stage of your life. You're going to be really incompetent every time you start a new stage of your life. And that's just the fact of the matter! That's true. That's going to be true at each stage of your life. It doesn't matter how mature you are, it doesn't matter how easily you're able to handle things, when you start a new stage of your life, a brand new stage, you're not going to have emotional competence in that area. If you've been married before, successfully, and you're now widowed, it doesn't matter.
New marriage, new levels of low emotional intelligence.
Okay, so now we're getting back to sex shaming.
A lot of years in my life, I didn't know what I was doing. And I knew that I didn't know what I was doing. I knew that I didn't have the life experience, I didn't have the knowledge, I didn't have the depth of wisdom, and I knew these things about myself.
I wasn't kidding myself. I wasn't like, Oh, well, you know, whatever, life is good, I think I know what's going on, I know what life's about. No, no, I knew I didn't know these things.
I was aware of the fact that I didn't know. At least that was helpful. At least that kept me from jumping into things that I was kidding myself that I was able to do. Now, that didn't stop me from jumping into some things that I was kidding myself that I was able to do when I couldn't, I couldn't handle it, but I tried. I still kept knowing that, Hey, maybe I'm not able to handle this, but at least it will give me the life experience to someday handle it.
So, sex shaming is a really big deal, guys!
You have to be able to accept other people even when you don't feel like that yourself. I had to learn how to accept other people, even though I didn't understand how they could have possibly gotten themselves in that position, because I never would have got myself in that position. I did get myself into a lot of other positions that my family didn't agree with, my friends didn't agree with, that everyone thought was stupid, whatever. But, I did, at least, purposely get into those situations. I did go into them knowing, Hey, I'm probably going to make a fool out of myself, but at least I'm willing to risk something.
I was comfortable with developing my level of risk. I was comfortable with doing that, and all the people around me were not comfortable with doing that. And so they thought I was being foolish or stupid or just unwise, but the thing is, I was getting into those things knowing that failure was a probability and knowing that I may have....
I got myself into renting situations where I couldn't pay the rent and I knew that before I even started, but I still tried to kid myself to say, Okay, maybe that will give me motivation to come up with the money!
And for quite a long time, I was able to do that, for several of my rent situations.
I figured out that I needed to test myself and prove myself on that.
The same thing with relationships. I would put myself into relationships, whether it was friendships or sex or love or whatever, I would put myself into relationships where I didn't know what the hell was going on! I mean, I didn't know what I was doing! And I knew that I didn't know what I was doing.
I knew that I was really inexperienced at this and I was probably going to fail.
But, I did understand the importance of risking things, and at least working on myself, my personal development, my self development, my self growth, by putting myself in the position of being in these friendships or relationships so that I myself could grow.
Again, I understood there was a probability of failing, and I was okay with failing because, to me, failing was not an indicator of whether or not I was successful. Learning through the process, learning through the very painful, rocky process that I knew I was about to go into, to me, learning from that process was my goal.
So, in all of those ways, I was very successful!
And I was very proud of myself for doing that. I was very proud of myself for being successful in those ways. I didn't ever go out of there thinking, Oh, well, I wonder what happened there.
No, no, no. I never had that attitude. Every time shit was going down, every time my life was really crappy, money, relationships, love, lack of emotional intelligence, lack of being able to handle things, health, whatever the situation was, I prided myself on being able to at least say, Okay, I went into this with my eyes open. I knew what I was going to do. I knew how I was going to do it. And I knew that failure was eighty percent likely, and that's not the reason why I did this. I did not do this for the chance of succeeding. I did this for the life experience. And to be able to sit down, even in a very emotionally fraught, stressful situation, and I knew I was going into this, even a situation where I knew it would be rocky and uncomfortable and have high discomfort. I knew that I was doing it for the life experience. I was doing it for the depth of understanding and wisdom that it would give me.
So, I had a lot of confidence in myself in at least having that as my level of success. Whether I was able to sit down and just understand things better and have that life experience.
I was able to do that every time! Because I never just fooled around just going, Oh! It's this person's fault. It's this person's fault. I didn't have a very high attitude of blame. I had a very high attitude of, Okay! I'm hear to learn! I'm not here to be comfortable. I'm not here to succeed. I'm not here to do any of that. I'm here to learn! And it's going to be horrible, and I'm going to hate it, but as long as I'm going through this process, I'm learning. That's what I'm here to do, and that is my measure of success.
So, guys, when it comes to sex shaming, if you've ever engaged in sex shaming yourself, please understand that I have done it myself. I've engaged in sex shaming, whether it was openly or privately in my head, but I still have judged people based upon how sexually promiscuous they were or how sexually active they were. Guys, there are people in our lives who, even thought they have been traditional and steady for their whole lives, some of them did regret not having had a period of their life where they had the wild, crazy stage.
I knew what age I was when I needed to go through that stage, and I went ahead and went through that stage. And it wasn't so much.... Actually, during that stage, I was a virgin. I was a virgin on purpose. I was waiting for marriage. I thought I was going to continue waiting for marriage. But, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24. But that didn't mean that I didn't mess around with people. And that didn't mean that I didn't date a lot of people who were sexually active since they were 16 or 14, or really young. But, I thought I was waiting for marriage, so I waited for a long time, and that was having a very high sex drive. So, I have a very high sexuality, a very high sex drive, but I kept things at a very controlled state. I had a high amount of self control. I had a high level of self control. Now, I didn't go around and just whore myself around. I did enjoy being wined and dined. I did enjoy dating. I enjoyed being flirted with, I love flirting. Still, to this day, I love flirting. I love that. I love complimenting people in a flirtatious way. And I love snuggling around with people and I love touch, but because I knew that virginity was not something that you could just go back on, it was a one way street, it took me a long time before I was even ready to approach that subject. And I knew that, and so I kept myself away from that for that reason.
Now, I know many people who are sexually active from a young age, but they grow up emotionally and they don't continue that behavior for the rest of their lives. And there are people who value those years when they were sexually promiscuous and they were very wild and crazy, because they felt like, I needed to get that out of my system before I went into the settled down stage, got together with a good woman who was similar to me, and who may have had the same past that I have, and we're more mature, and we're both grown up, and we're able to get together and actually have a steady, traditional kind of relationship, having had the life experiences that we've had to kind of back up our knowledge and our wisdom and our understanding of what's going on in the world.
And I admire people like that. They own their past. They accept and they love and they respect and own their pasts. And guys, that's what sex shaming is all about. When somebody is engaging in sex shaming, it's because they don't consider themselves to be fully developed as a person. Whether it's consciously or subconsciously, there's something about themselves that, to them, seemed incomplete.
And so there's a need to have strict guidelines, strict boundaries of other people that they would not otherwise have if they would not otherwise have. There's a need for these people to engage in very strict, very controlling behavior, saying, You should be doing it this way and going through life this way! You should be a virgin or waiting for marriage or you should be not so sexually active!
You should take life more seriously. You should respect yourself more!
Okay, maybe all of those things are true, but that's not the path that person is on. That person is on a different path. They're on a path where they need to work through their own emotional issues or life experiences or lack thereof or growing thereof of emotional intelligence. They need to work through what their priority list is.
They have the priority list of growing up, getting married, and having kids, and then working on self development and self growth and personal development. And that is their list of priorities.
Then there are other people, people like me, who want to do self growth, self development, and personal development FIRST, those are their top three choices, then they want to buy a house, get married, and have kids. And that is OUR list of priorities.
Guys, come on! I've engaged in enough sex shaming myself and judging of other people myself to know that this is not comparable! Their lives are NOT comparable to MY life!
They will eventually get to where they need to be. I will eventually get to where I need to be. And the two are not the same!
All of the things on that list are important: Family is important, Children are important, Have somebody that you can love and rely upon is important, Having external family around you is important, You support system is important, AND personal growth, personal development, high emotional intelligence, high social intelligence, high mental intelligence. ALL of these parts are a part of the whole picture, all of life. All of these things are majorly, majorly important. All of these things have high, high value!
And, I think that because we go through life in a certain order, we go through life feeling like either made a mistake by putting one of these things before another and our parents did it differently or we were raised differently, that we think, Oh! I need to encourage and advise other people to do certain things in their life first! To do certain things in a different way!
The truth is, guys, each of our lists of priorities have all of these components in them, but they are in a different order. So, the only difference between your growth and my growth is how we order our list of priorities. All of those elements that I've just mentioned are in all of our lists of priorities, but for some of us, we need to have certain things done first.
For instance, because I was raised by a woman who did not grow up entirely emotionally on the inside, we're not even talking about growth past normal, we're talking about getting up to the level of normal. Because, again, she was in her thirties, she was actually in her twenties when she had me, she was in her thirties when I was younger and she was not even at her own normal level of development when she had me. She was at the four year old level of development. At that time, my father was the same way. He just expressed it in a different way. And the truth is, neither one of them were wrong. They were both doing the best that they could with what they had.
But because of that problem that I had, and how deeply it affected me.... as an Intuitive Thinker, My God! It got so down inside of me! There are people who could have looked at that situation and been like, Oh, yeah, it's a sucky situation and you'll just have to get over it and deal with this.
But, I didn't have that kind of personality! I did not have the kind of personality to take it like that! I had the kind of personality that was like I felt, as an Intuitive Thinker, I felt everything so deeply, on a very deep level, and I internalized everything so deeply! So deeply down inside of me!
Guys, I'm talking with a stuffy nose, so I'm going to take a break here. This is going to be really gross. I'm just going to blow my nose off screen. Don't worry, off screen. I'm just going to do this real fast, because I'm sure you guys don't want to keep listening to me talking with a stuffy nose. That's just nasty.
(blows sweet little nose)
I know you didn't want to hear that, haha!
Okay, one more time. I'm almost done.
Don't go away! I'm here!
Okay, I'm back.
The problem with judging other people because their list of priorities is different from your own is that you don't allow other people to just be human!
They're going about their lives in the way that they want to go about their lives.
Because my mom wasn't emotionally developed past the age that I was at that point, because it deeply affected me, not only was she abusive to me..... My dad was not abusive to me, but he was a little neglectful. He was neglected, and so therefore he didn't know how to express himself very much. She knew how to express herself but her temper was off the charts, it was really bad.
There was a lot of turmoil and a lot of instability, and I was a child, and I knew what was happening, and I knew that things were not as they were supposed to be, and I was very angry about it. And that anger was inside of me for many, many years. In fact, I still have a little bit of it left. I'm working on it. Every day, I work on it a little bit. I try to whittle down my behavior a little bit more.
So, what used to just set me off on a whole bunch of different areas now only affects me to where I only lose my temper on a couple of things, a couple of situations.
And, even now that I've done that, those two areas.... I do still react quite violently, quite in an extreme way, and quite in a bad way, but I have been growing so much on those two areas that they're actually down to half of what they were.
So, I can actually see how I have so much more self control, so much more emotional development in those areas than I had before. And, Oh My God! It's an enormous situation! It makes such a difference! It makes such a difference!
Guys, when you're engaging in sex shaming.... Now, a lot of you haven't engaged in sex shaming yourself, or you stopped doing it, but you've had other people talk to you in that way.
And so you're watching this video because you kind of want some emotional closure on that. Hey! I get that!
By the way, guys, you have emotional closure on that.
That's me giving you permission, saying, Okay! This subject can be closed and put away on a shelf, because it's been dealt with.
Guys, sex shaming comes from people who are not happy with their own development, so they're worried and concerned about other people's development. They are some people who are very judgmental to the extent of actually thinking that people who are not as correct as they think they should be, that those people are bad or evil or stupid, or any of the negative adjectives that you can stick in there.
But, the truth is, guys, they only feel that way because they are unhappy with their own personal growth. They're unhappy with their own personal development. And guys, even if someone is talking to you like this and they're being really hateful and nasty about it, think of yourself as the more experienced person, and think of yourself as the person who comes from a situation of wisdom and steadiness and personal insight into these people